The most amazing thing happened to me today.
My morning started just as any other day. The mad rush to get the boys off to school. Lunches, backpacks, breakfast. Chatting with my sister on the way home. Seeing my daughter off as she took off with friends. And finally I was alone.
As I gathered myself for the day I began praying about something that had been nagging at my soul. Something I felt I had been asked to do. But couldn’t quit bring myself to do it. I had so much apprehension about it. So much fear.
At that moment I just really wanted to understand what my internal fight was about. What was it that I was so afraid of? I was having this internal dialog with myself trying to understand and conquer my fears.
I had my list of unfounded reasons for not fully participating in what was asked of me. And what I came up with was kind of sad. Thoughts and feelings that I think we all have when we are asked to step out of our comfort zone.
I’m not qualified. I’m not good enough. I tremble at the thought of public speaking. One on one I’m fine. But put me in front of a group of strangers and I tremble like a leaf. And plus, what if I’m wrong about all of this? Maybe its all in my head.
And thats the thought I’ve gone with for the last 4 months. But the problem is, if your asked to do something it will never go away. And I thought about the story of Jonah. How he was swallowed by a whale while running away from his purpose.
My story probably isn’t going to end up in any whale swallowing, but the thought alone was unsettling. I could take some wisdom from that story and concede to his will or face the hard way on my own. The choice was mine.
So after I was able to listen to my fears and understand them I figured I would just close that book for awhile and see what happens. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow with the fears residing and slowly fading away. Maybe the confidence that I needed would rise with me as I woke the next morning. Question mark. Question mark. I didn’t know exactly what I needed only that I was asking for help.
I was ready for the day and climbed into the truck. And as I began to drive down the road towards my destination this is what came to me. Let go of who you think you are and let me show you who I made you to be.
Tears began to stream down my face. Where did those words come from? How does God always know exactly what I need? Those words pierced my soul. It was confirmation. It was everything I needed to hear. It was amazing.
In that moment I had a peace come over me that I’ve never felt before. My fears shrank into nothing. I CAN do all thing through Christ that strengthens me. Because although I feel so unworthy, he sees me as I was truly meant to be. Free. Free from fear. Free from condemnation. Free to be exactly who he needs me to be.
So if you hear that small still voice inside asking you to move forward and you are afraid, talk to him. Because I can promise that in your weakness he is your strength. He knows what you need before you even ask. But he will wait so patiently and lovingly on you to come to him with your hopes and fears. He loves you. Never forget that. And you can do great things for him just the way you are.